Only Hope, Only Chance
by LadyRaye
Summary: Buffy's thoughts of how much she really did love Spike. Song Fic.


Disclaimer: I don't own a thing. Too bad eh? The characters are Joss' and the parts from Buffy's memories are taken from the episode itself or from the book "Chosen" written for the complete novelization based on the seventh season of the TV series created entirely by Joss Whedon.  
  
A/N: Okay, I admit it. The song and the memories are not what I've made up. They were shamelessly stolen. However, Buffy's present thoughts are my own. If you care to use this fine, just let me know and please don't be angry at me for using the memories. It helped it in my opinion. Please review and let me know what you think. BTW, thanks IceBlueRose for the TREMENDOUS help. I suggest anyone who's really into Buffy read her AU fic "Father of the Brat" its awesome! When the ~*~ appears, it just means that its going to memories or song lyrics. They lyrics are shown with parenthesis on either side (( )) and the memories are surrounded by star (***) so.now.for the saddest thing I've ever had to write (besides my Harry Potter song fic).  
  
Buffy sat in her room, looking at everything. Dawn had asked her, "What are we going to do?" and the question itself brought a smile to the slayers face. She knew in her heart and in her mind that they were cookie dough and they had yet to finish baking, but in some small part of her mind she knew that even though she had yet to finish baking she knew she'd never love again. The thought of it brought tears to her eyes. Slowly she remembered the first time they had ever met.the meeting of a lifetime.  
  
~*~  
  
***"A stake would be nice!" Buffy shouted as she was fighting another vampire. Xander took off running back into the Bronze. Minutes later, he ran back out and tossed the blonde a sculpted piece of wood and he watched along with Willow as Buffy drove the stake into the vampire's heart. As the vampire crumbled into dust, someone began clapping from the shadows and as he emerged from the dark alley, his platinum blonde hair glinted off the moonlight.  
  
"Nice work luv." He said. His black trench coat hanging low.  
  
"Who are you?" Buffy questioned.  
  
"You'll find out on Saturday."  
  
"What happens on Saturday?" Spike grinned slowly.  
  
"I kill you." And with that.he walked away.***  
  
~*~  
  
((There's a song that's inside of my soul  
  
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again  
  
I'm awake in the infinite cold  
  
But you sing to me over and over and over again))  
  
A smile came to Buffy's face as she remembered how in love she had been with Angel. But then, things change. People changed. Angel and Buffy changed. They grew apart. That was when Spike had come back. He had been taken prisoner by the Initiative and was no longer able to live a decent life of a vampire. Whatever decent may have been. She remembered the time where Spike was chained into the bathtub and she had feeding duty.  
  
~*~  
  
***"I'm done, put the telly on," Spike looked longingly towards the T.V. just as Giles arrived with a coffee mug full of blood, "It's about time, hope you got it warm enough." Buffy rolled her eyes as she took the mug from Giles and held it out towards Spike who greedily began drinking. As Buffy looked away, Spike smirked, "I don't know why you're so dainty all of a sudden, you've done this for Angel, you must've." Buffy pulled the mug away quickly rolling her eyes.  
  
"Okay." Buffy said.  
  
"Hey give it!" Spike complained. He then proceeded to suck the rest out of the straw that was still hanging from his mouth.  
  
"That's it; the invalid amnesiac routine is over. The kitchen is closed until you can tell me something useful about the commandos." Buffy said.  
  
"I'm trying to remember, it was very traumatic." Spike replied.  
  
"How long are you going to pull this crap?" She asked.  
  
"How long am I gonna live once I tell you?" Spike spat back.  
  
"Spike, we have no intention of killing a harmless creature." Giles cut in before the two continued on. Taking off his glasses he continued, "But we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure you're impotent."  
  
"Hey!" Spike exclaimed.  
  
"Sorry, poor choice of words." Giles replied, "Until we know that you're."  
  
"Flaccid?" Buffy chimed in.  
  
"You are one step away missy!" Spike told her. Buffy turned to Giles, continuing.  
  
"Giles help! He's gonna scold me." Spike becoming really pissed off tried launching at Buffy. But do to the fact his hands and feet were currently chained to the bathtub, he wasn't moving. "You know what? I don't think you want us to let you go. Maybe we made it a little to comfy in here for ya."  
  
"Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub, drinking pigs blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rate huge in the Zagat's guide."  
  
"You want something nicer? Oh, look at my poor neck," Buffy slowly turned her head to the side, running a finger up and down her neck. Spike watched on in hunger. All bare and tender and exposed. All the blood just pumping away." He inched closer, making biting motions.  
  
"Oh please." Giles moaned.  
  
"Giles! Make her stop!" Spike exclaimed becoming frustrated.***  
  
~*~  
  
Buffy knew that it was then that she started falling for him. Even if it was really far in her mind at the time because she was more concerned about things. Then the next thing flashing in her mind was Spike down on one knee. Asking her to marry him. She had said yes.  
  
((So I lay my head back down  
  
And I lift my hands and pray  
  
To be only yours  
  
I pray to be only yours  
  
I know now you're my only hope))  
  
It wasn't until Spike began helping them out. Actually tried becoming one of the Scooby Gang that she really took notice of him. When Glory had come around she had asked him to take care of Dawn, and when she died, he had done just that. Taken care of her and everyone else. Then, they had brought her back. Pulled her from heaven. Spike was the only one she could talk to. The only one she could trust with her feelings. Then she began using him. Using him as an escape. And he didn't care. She pulled her legs up close to her body, tears beginning to fall down her face. Marring her cheeks with streaks. With a sigh, Buffy looked down towards the silver casing in her hand. His lighter.  
  
((Sing to me the song of the stars  
  
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again  
  
When it feels like my dreams are so far  
  
Sing to me of the plans  
  
That you have for me over again))  
  
He had been there for her, without reason. Just because he loved her. Then, he'd gone off and gotten a soul. He wanted to be the man for her. He wanted something to prove that he loved her so much that he'd do anything for her. Then, just as she began to trust him again The First came along. The entire time he'd been there. Keeping a space in her heart that she had thought was long gone. He made her feel. Buffy laughed softly at the memory of the musical they held. But then a sudden frown marred her face as she thought of all the cruel things she had ever said to him. Then, even worse when Angel appeared out of nowhere, and she kissed him.  
  
((So I lay my head back down  
  
And I lift my hands and pray  
  
To be only yours  
  
I pray to be only yours  
  
I know now you're my only hope))  
  
~*~  
  
***Buffy went downstairs to the basement. Spike was sitting in the moonlight, shirtless looking off.  
  
"So where's Tall, Dark and Forehead?" He asked her.  
  
"Lemme guess," Buffy said, "You can smell him." He tilted his head appraising her.  
  
"Yeah that and I also used my heightened vampire eyeballs to watch you kissing him."  
  
'Oh God'. She felt terrible.  
  
"It was a, hello." She said, "I was surprised." He gave her a look.  
  
"Most people don't use their tongues to say hello. Well, I guess they do but."  
  
"There was no tongues." She said quickly, "Besides, he's gone."***  
  
~*~  
  
Buffy laughed at the rest of the conversation going on in her head, it continued as she had handed him the amulet that Angel had given him. He had said.  
  
~*~  
  
***She hesitated. "Angel said this amulet is meant to be worn by a champion."  
  
He deflated. Until she held it out to him and he understood. She was calling him a champion.  
  
"Been called a lot of things in my time." He said.  
  
"I want you to be careful." She said gently.***  
  
~*~  
  
((I give you my destiny  
  
I'm giving you all of me  
  
I want your symphony  
  
Singing in all that I am  
  
At the top of my lungs  
  
I'm giving it back))  
  
As the tears continued to fall she wrapped her arms around her legs. It was then that she knew she was truly in love with him. She never wanted to feel this way again after Angel but she did. She remembered the last things ever said between them as if it were yesterday.  
  
~*~  
  
***Buffy came to Spike, he remained pinned in place energy blasting from him.  
  
"I can feel it Buffy," He murmured.  
  
"What?" She asked, choking with emotion, fighting to keep present, stay present, be here for him, with him.  
  
"My soul." He gazed at her with wonder. "Its really there." Grinned faintly. "Kinda stings."  
  
.As the cavern fell Buffy stayed with Spike who said to her,  
  
"Go on then." Buffy shook her head.  
  
"You've done enough. You can still-"  
  
"No, you've beat 'em back, it's for me to do the clean up." Faith called from the entrance of the cavern.  
  
"Buffy come on." Then Faith ducked some falling debris, disappearing from the entrance leaving Buffy with Spike as debris plummeted around them as well.  
  
"Gotta move lamb," He said tenderly to her, "I think that schools out for bloody summer." The cavern was collapsing from top to bottom. The actual school falling in on the vampires.  
  
"Spike." Buffy begged.  
  
"I mean it," Spike told her, "I gotta do this." His hand was held up, frozen.***  
  
~*~  
  
"I love you." She whispered. With the tears pouring down like the rain outside.she sniffed. Remembering the words he told her. "No you don't. But thanks for saying it." He had said. Spike had been stupid. His last thoughts were that she didn't love him! He was crazy! He was.He had to be.  
  
((So I lay my head back down  
  
And I lift my hands and pray  
  
To be only yours  
  
I pray to be only yours  
  
I pray to be only yours  
  
I know now you're my only hope))  
  
Her only hope. 


End file.
